Neophyte, Novice, Tyro...

I've been actively practicing a pagan spirituality for over six years now. I'm relatively young. Six years is a significant portion of my adult life. Not yet a majority, but a significant portion. I've been practicing this particular flavor of polytheist, hybrid-neopagan druidry for about four years now. Which is well over half the time I've been pagan generally.

Sometimes I wonder when I will start to feel... established. My Christianity was a groove, a smooth, worn path that I slid into without much effort. It was worn by many feet before mine, and I was comfortable. I knew more or less where to go, and the gentle ups and downs didn't feel like life-altering risks.

This path is wild. It's tracks are thin and overgrown and hard to find. There are no landmarks I've ever seen before. I'm uncomfortable. I watch those who seem to have found a stable base to work from, who know their gods and have built a practice that isn't in constant head over heels turmoil. My gods throw me around like a rag doll, never letting me settle anywhere for longer than a few months.

It's beautiful out here, but don't get lost...
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My pantheon is open, it's not a fixed constellation of shining ones like I thought it would be. I had a visceral encounter with Brigid. I have a patronage relationship with Nemetona. I have a devotion to Taranis and to Sirona... but. The gods are moving. The gods call me, calls from places I never thought I'd hear, from deities I literally did not know existed. My circle widens, connections unfold, my obligations expand. Each bond I form creates relationship, each act of giving requires giving in return, each blessing carries expectation of service in return.

My rituals aren't set, my calendar is in flux, my altar is expanding, becoming crowded, I'm still writing prayers, memorizing prayers, asking basic questions, learning, learning, reading, studying.

Sometimes I wish I could rest, I wish I could let someone else drive for a little while, relax into that groove of having the path laid out, burnished in front of my feet. But that's not my path, not the road I've chosen. On this road I'm a newbie, still figuring things out, still learning from every teacher.

When I was a Christian, I was an academic who wished she was a mystic. Experiencing gods changes everything. Today I'm feeling the turmoil of being a mystic, but wishing I was an academic.